Trick - or - (Low Calorie) Treat

Maybe I'm bitter about handing out candy while I eat a Weight Watchers 2 point dessert bar, but this whole holiday has really gone south since my childhood. 

1)  Parents made costumes back then.  My mother transformed me into more of an angel than I already was by altering a gorgeous silver vintage dress from her younger days.  I appreciated her effort so much that 17 years later I took the hem down (sort of) and wore it to a freshman year college Halloween party.  Sorry dad, I'm sure you don't love that story but I was broke.  And mom worked so hard.

2)  Since when is it okay to ask "how many can I take"?  I guess I can appreciate that question since most of my other visitors tonight thought 5 was the bare minimum.

2a) Not surprising since PARENTS dipped their grubby hands in my bowl.  One of my neighbors used to give out pencils and, despite the overwhelming urge to get as many free writing implements as possible, I only took one.  Have some manners.

3)  Speaking of manners, I heard my baby nephew say "thank you" about 15 times yesterday and he doesn't really know what it means yet (well in fairness he's brilliant so maybe he does).  I heard "thank you" today from less than 10%, and they were definitely the ones whose parents beat them on a regular basis.  In a good way, of course. 

4)  I'm all about efficiency, but having a mini van full of kids dropped off in your townhome complex while their parents double park along your street is some major bullshit.  I should probably call the wahmbulance right now for all the township residents whose homes are too large and lawns much too sprawling to have their precious children do something called walking. 

5)  Putting antlers on, or some type of antennae looking headgear is not a legitimate costume.  Neither is a head bandage with a bloody pencil sticking out of your forehead.  That kid who just smiled adorably at me will surely shoot up his high school in a few years.

6)  I really love Twix and think I wear that on my sleeve.  Good kids would take the 3 Musketeers,  shut up and like it. 

7)  I like Starburst second best and they apply to the Twix rule.

8)  If you wear a terrible Harry Potter of the Caribbean hybrid movie looking costume, don't try coming back for more candy after only 10 minutes.  It was unforgettable.

9) A very mismatched parent/child combo just ran my doorbell.  He smiled at me in a way that screamed "I'm going to ring your doorbell myself in a few days just to, um, say hello....oh, and I just abducted this kid from down the block to try picking up women".

10)  A TV commentator at the parade in NY just called Superman and Edward Scissorhands a "crime fighting duo". 

PS - 9pm is my limit.  When some stoned 22 year old Nicki Minaj costume wearer with loose morals and low self esteem considers ringing my bell in two hours with her pillowcase, she better keep walking and hit up the McDonald's a block down the highway.

Howdy Readers!

It's been quite some time since my last post.  I've been pretty busy trying to get a few fun things in before summer's end.  So last weekend, I attended my very first country music concert.

Who knew so many people in the Northeast were fans?  I'm sure a lot of true cowboys would be mortified by the scene in my local football stadium but only out of complete jealousy. While they spend lots of money on their fancy hats, I got a perfectly cute and authentic one at Target.  Okay maybe not authentic but it was cute.

 

At least I didn't look like a member of some traveling twirling troop.  Red hats, really?

But even if my hat was made of human skin and covered in blinking Christmas lights, I would not have competed with some of my fellow concert goers. 

We had the patriotic......

A great way to pay tribute to your country is to remove your super tight tank top, stand on the roof of your SUV in a parking lot and waive your flag.  Oh, and be sure to wear jean shorts.  ALWAYS wear your jorts.

Or better yet, get all your friends together and dress in flag outfits.  Even if your friend is the girl on the right who wore the British flag shirt. At least she stands for something. God bless, um, everyone?

the lame......

This prepster and her husband got hit in the head with beach balls at least 15 times.  Probably because they appeared to be having no fun and brought a zip lock bag of what I can only guess was homemade Chex mix.

those who traveled in style...



99% certain their yellow Hummer got lost en route to a Snookie appearance.  Bummer.

I will never make fun of anyone who drives a pickup.  In fact, they're pretty sexy.  Unless you turn the bed into your very own portable cesspool.  I mean, swimming pool.

the trend setters.....

Alcohol can create the most unlikely of pairs.  But I'd be really interested in knowing how Boat Shoes got together with Half Jean/Half Fake Leather Boots Lady.  Maybe on the fried butter line at a county fair...or she was just a hooker. 

Even if my foot was run over by a car 10 minutes before the concert, I would smash that thing into an actual shoe.  There is nothing cute or funny about tiger shaped slippers in public.  Or anywhere really unless you're a toddler.

and finally, the fans of more than just country music....

A true fan would display that work of art somewhere more visible.  Unless, of course,  he freely removed his pants for strangers on a regular basis. 




 Best Dressed Award goes to this guy, hands down. He is my hero.



Born on the Fourth of July

One of my besties delivered her first little guy on Cinco de Mayo of this year.  There are photos of him, sleeping soundly, wearing a stick-on mustache and sombrero to prove it.  I totally supported the idea - how cute!  Plus as the victim of a holiday birthday, I feel all of us should suffer through that type of experience at least once.

Today is my birthday - the Fourth of July.  And while I have some great memories of this day, there's a few that I can only appreciate years later. 

When I was a kid, my father told me the fireworks were for me.  I spent a few too many years thinking he paid off some guy to shoot them in the air to celebrate the birth of an angel.  (If you've ever met my dad, he looks like someone who "knows a guy" so it was entirely possible.)   Thankfully I kept that to myself  - it would have been social suicide.  Like those kids who believed in Santa until they were 16. 

My mother put sparklers on my cake even thought I was scared of them.  I have such vivid memories of her telling me they weren't dangerous and swishing her hand right through the sparkly fire.  Today on the news I heard they're 2000˚ (which sounds impossible - the sun is 10,000˚) so that was probably a bad idea.  Mom, don't be mad that I told that story.   I'm way too old for DYFUS to track you down.  Plus I looked through every childhood album and there is no photographic evidence.  Smart move.

But better than those two, was the absolute childhood trama that was the Spring of 1986 when I was dressed up like a makeshift Statue of Liberty in front of my entire school.

First time I've left my face in a photo - the facial expression is too priceless to ruin. 

I'm all about developing our youth with creative subliminal learning, but it would have been fine to have me recite parts of the Declaration of Independence. I can only assume my hair was cut that way to really get me into the role.

That is a towel from our guest bathroom and thankfully I have clothes on underneath it.  The 80s were a very loose time in American history so it could have been worse.

Interestingly enough, that torch is buried in the lawn of our grammar school in the form of a time capsule.  At least once a year, I tell my childhood pals that I plan to serve as the Master of Ceremonies when they dig it up.  And you bet your ass I'll be wearing a one shoulder towel dress.

The Desk

Nothing like starting a Monday with absolutely no access to your computer.  Especially when you need to call The Desk.  I decided to drop the prefix "Help" some time in 2005 because they're helpful about 0% of the time.

I'm not sure what type of fancy PR consultant chose their hold music, but it actually gives the impression they'll solve your problem.  It's a very energetic piano ballad - a cross between the theme songs from Family Ties and a Lifetime Original Movie about a child who overcomes blindness, dyslexia and homelessness.  It almost makes you  feel like skipping through a field of sunflowers.....until it becomes apparent that same tune played about 19 times while you were waiting on hold.

At first I was enthusiastic because my situation was "escalated" to Level 2 support.  That means they really care.  Much to my chagrin, they sound exactly the same as Level 1 and there is no clear distinction between their skill levels.  Jesus Christ himself is probably somewhere around Level 53 - maybe one day I'll have a problem bad enough to achieve that level of support.   But for today it was the guy who put me on hold and forgot to put the music back on.  I was no longer inspired to skip through a field.

For those of you who never experienced the joy of having someone "remote" into your computer, you might want to try it one day.  Especially if you enjoy staring at a screen while people click around and do the same things you tried 482 times before calling.  It's similar to when my husband has too many drinks, sneaks up behind me and operates my arms like I'm a puppet to amuse party guests.  You just stand there lifeless and pray it's over quickly.

And by they way, they get very angry when you try regaining control of your computer while they're troubleshooting.  Today I saw this -

One time I clicked on a similar message and pornographic images installed all over my desktop...at work.  But this time I was willing to take the chance.

So I clicked and followed directions.  Level 2 was very pissed.  Apparently I was supposed to sit quietly and stop touching things.  And good thing I did, because he was a technical expert. After asking for my password (which I do believe is the equivalent of pulling up in a van outside an elementary school and asking me to jump in to help find your lost puppy), I unwillingly handed it over.  He then actually had the nerve to simply type my password into the log in screen about 30 times.  I guess he didn't think I was smart enough to understand how the keyboard on my laptop works.  Nor did he think I tried that before.  This coming from a man who actually asked if I wanted "access to my entire computer".

Yes sir, yes I do.  And telling me that you'll email me when my access is reinstated is not helpful because my f*cking email doesn't work. 

After 4 hours of intermittent access, the issue was resolved.  This evening I received 4 surveys from The Desk. And they all contained this nifty image -

Well guess what, Desk?  I'll fill out all your surveys, no squandering here.  But the fact that I got 4 surveys to match the 4 times I had to call in one day will probably bring your customer service stats down.

Bloggerazzi

Yes, I realize it's completely obnoxious to take pictures of unsuspecting people.  It's the worst when I make friends and family pretend to pose while I secretly photograph things going on behind them.

But on my recent vacation to the Hard Rock in Punta Cana, I felt I was entitled.  Vacation should be all about me, and it was.   Plus, let's be honest - America is bad enough, but some things you experience outside our borders require a permanent record.  Here's a few of my favorites -

 

No, you are not seeing double. Two women (neither of which should be wearing horizontal stripes), in matching dresses at the airport.  My husband's "OMG, I got the BEST dress at Burlington Coat Factory.  OMG, I ALSO got the BEST dress at Burlington Coat Factory" comment was very amusing.

The archery instructor was absolutely the same person who served me a steak and performed in the center of a bad ass dance circle the prior night .  It's entirely possible he's skilled at all things vacation, but drunk people should not be shooting arrows unless they've been trained  by a professional.  One of the pools was not far away from that target.  (If someone was hit in the face with an arrow, I'd be all over it with my Canon Powershot.)

She's 60 - I know for sure because my husband befriended someone in her vacation brigade who mentioned it.  I felt stupid when he told me the same story moments after my capturing her Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover shoot.  She looked great for her age but what exactly was the plan for these pictures?  Oh, my blog?  Awesome, thanks for that.

There are two things wrong with this picture -

1- That guy actually videotaped the entire Hibachi-style meal preparation, all 982 courses they cook on that grill.  Where has it been all his life?  We all love the onion volcano but I do not love it enough to watch the footage ever again.

2- His video camera was probably the reason airlines require you to pay for luggage now.  I think it was bigger than my suitcase. 

It's bad enough when adults get their hair braided by beach drifters, (if you're one of those people, please stop doing that) but there's no need for island themed jewelry to show co-workers you went on a trip.  Just get tan like the other normal members of society.  But if you insist, it's probably not wise to wear your giant starfish necklace in the sun.  Having that image reverse burned into your skin might be worse than discovering you became pregnant with the breakfast buffet omelette chef's baby after 8 margaritas.

It was a lovely trip, I swear.  Although I did miss some great photo opportunities seeing as there wasn't massive world destruction on the 21st of May.  Imagine if a tsunami ripped the bathing suits off some of those pool dwellers?  They were holding on for dear life already - strings and spandex can only take so much before they give up.

Suck It Up

I misplace everything.  My wedding vows should have included him accepting that, at any given moment, his possessions might go missing.  Forever.

I don't like admitting it, but there is zero logic behind my frequent relocation of items.  Not long ago, I found a handset to our home telephone, face down in the kitchen sink. After laughing at myself and taking this picture, I accidentally left it there for another hour.  Why promptly remove electronic devices from sources of water?

Do not judge me - I clean that sink regularly.  A few noodles never killed anyone.

Two weeks ago,  the vacuum went missing.  Since the lovely women who clean our house on a bi-weekly basis purchased my same vacuum as a backup, I figured they took it home in error. After checking all the usual places (not the sink, that would just be ridiculous - or would it?), I gave up.  So on cleaning day, I left them a note.  And here was their response -

Easter would've been nicer with freshly cleaned carpets.  Just saying.

So I call them, assuming they misunderstood my VERY clear note.  Not the stick vacuum, but the full-sized one. Keep up, people...we are losing time.  I have (zero) vacuuming to do.

Before their next visit,  I sent an email to my husband with detailed instructions on how to address this issue in person.  He was working from home that day.  I said -

(Good luck having that conversation - remember, they bought the same one as a backup which is why I thought they might have taken it accidentally)

So for the second time, they are approached about taking my vacuum. And for the second time they confirm this did not happen. Now I'm just perplexed and fairly annoyed. 

Fast forward about 3 hours.  I am driving home from work, 90 minutes of terrible traffic. I'm tired and starving.  Husband is in a rush and calls asking if I've seen his car keys.  At first, I said no. Then knowing me, I looked around and realized I took them to work with me.  Along with my own keys.  No clue why.

(Insert fighting and texting.  He was mad that I was "inconsiderate".  I was mad that he called me inconsiderate - maybe irresponsibly scattered and a kidnapper of his stuff, but not inconsiderate!)

After running into the house and avoiding him, I basically walk directly into the missing vacuum.  Someone apparently put it in the middle of our dining room. I pretended like I didn't see it.  (It's red, and it's a vacuum.  Impossible to miss.)


Fast forward again, this time 1 hour.  Text appears on my phone - "Was that the missing vacuum in the dining room?"  Such a smart ass, I was so tempted to say "No, I've never seen that one in my life".  He found it in the garage (or so he says).

I should probably apologize to the people I accused (twice) of stealing my vacuum.  But honestly, I just don't feel like it.   I tried to apologize to my husband this week - a general one targeted at years of stolen/misplaced items.  Then I found out I borrowed something of his and left it in a completely stupid place again.  I tried.

Bad Hare Day

Earlier this week I had a dream that a hot pink Easter Bunny strangled me on my front lawn while my mom photographed it.  This is not surprising since the concept is totally weird.

I stole this picture from a Facebook friend and cropped out her kids. (I did ask her first although she had no choice regardless.)

Not bad.   That costume is good enough to ignore the likelihood of him being a pedophile

Here's the only picture I have of my childhood with me and the Easter Bunny -

I'm surprised I didn't try canceling the entire holiday after this.

WTF is that?  I understand things modernize but I'm sure people knew what a rabbit looked like 25 years ago.  The sad thing is that my parents probably paid for me to attend this event.  I'm actually wearing a party dress. Sorry Mom and Dad but you dropped the ball on this one.  I think you missed the invitation's fine print where it clearly stated they would not guarantee a legitimate bunny.  (I'm 99% certain this guy made an appearance on "To Catch a Predator" since then.)

Maybe I just don't remember, but does the Easter Bunny even have a story?  The Santa logistics are solid (if you are good parent, capable of answering any question a child has) but what is this guy's deal?  At least Santa asks what you want for Christmas.  I highly doubt the Easter Bunny asks what you want in your basket. Does he even speak?  Truthfully, I'm not sure what would be more traumatic - a conversation with a giant talking rabbit or an uncomfortably silent 3 minutes in the clutches of a filthy theme park character?

Parents, give your kids a break if they run screaming through the mall to avoid spending time with him.  And if they question his authenticity, just hand them some jelly beans and pretend you didn't hear the question.